First introduced in North America as “koolsla” by Dutch settlers in the 1700s, coleslaw has become a staple summer food, alongside potato salad, Rocket Pops and charred wieners. Personally, I love coleslaw year-round, but it just hits different when it’s 35 degrees and I’m wearing my Daisy Dukes and doused in Raid.

Making your own coleslaw is a pain in the butt (more on that later), so I set out to determine the best and worst commercial brands.

I bought 7 creamy varieties, ranging from store-bought to fast food chain, and evaluated each on taste, texture and freshness. I excluded any oil-and-vinegar varieties since that’s like comparing apples to cabbages. I wanted a coleslaw that provided a bit of heat, had a nice crunch and wasn’t too dry or too drippy. I also added a homemade version to the mix. Specifically, Dolly Parton’s coleslaw recipe, and brought it to a family picnic for their reaction.

So, which coleslaw creamed the competition? And which did I tell to, “Get back to the cabbage patch, kid!” Read on to find out!

1) Reser’s, $4.78

I consistently see Reser’s side salads in grocery stores. Their macaroni salad reigned supreme in my taste test a couple of years ago. But just because you’re good at one thing doesn’t mean you’re good at another.

Tasting notes: Can we talk about green coleslaw? I’ve never seen a cabbage this uniformly green, so why force it? In terms of taste, Reser’s was okay. The vinegar really came through. But the creamy texture left a film in my mouth. All in all, Reser’s was serviceable but didn’t spin the wheels of my roller-skates.

Verdict: Didn’t Reser to the occasion.

2) Compliments, $4.69

I got this at Sobey’s. Generally, I don’t have high hopes for house-brand products, although Compliments recently kicked butt in my cottage cheese taste test. So, I tried to keep an open mind and mouth.

Tasting notes: Speaking of green coleslaw, this one was very pale, almost mint coloured. Overall, there was too much liquid which made it a swampy experience. There wasn’t a lot of flavour either. Compliments left me cold, and not in a good way.

Verdict: A good bathroom wall colour, not a good coleslaw.

3) Popeyes $3.29 (regular size)

I went through an intense Popeyes phase in the early stages of the Covid lockdown. I was like, “Well, the world is ending, so I might as well eat Popeyes every night.” This attitude also explains why my track pants started looking more like tights.

Tasting notes: From pale green to pale yellow! The cabbage pieces had very distinct, diamond shapes, and were a bit too uniform to deliver the mouth excitement I wanted. Popeyes was the creamiest of the bunch, but it was too mild and sweet. Maybe it’s meant to cool you down after a spicy chicken sandwich.

Verdict: Didn’t pop.

4) Ziggy’s, $3.00

If you’re a child of the 1970s (as I am), the name Ziggy will always be associated with a strange-looking bald cartoon character whose appeal I never understood. Maybe he was Charlie Brown’s father?

Tasting notes: Here we go again with that neon green! Ziggy’s was so bright I had to wear sunglasses while tasting it. It had the most zing in terms of heat, but my main issue was the texture. The cabbage was too finely ground. It was like eating sweet green sawdust. And yes, I’ve eaten sweet green sawdust before, but that’s a whole other taste test.

Verdict: Get back to the cabbage patch, kid.

5) Selection $4.99

Finally! A coleslaw that wasn’t trying to hide behind a green dye! Selection is Metro’s house brand, so I kept my expectations in check.

Tasting notes: This was the most attractive coleslaw of the lot. The cabbage was shredded in long slivers and mixed with mustard seeds. (I’m assuming that’s what they were, otherwise, I ate gnats.) Compliments had a distinct flavour. Those mustard seeds/gnats really came through. It also had a nice heat that hit the back of my throat. I could see Selection being polarizing among coleslaw lovers, but sometimes, a slaw has to stand on its own.

Verdict: Gnat too bad.

6) KFC, $3.66 (small size)

This was the smallest container of slaw. In fairness, I ordered a small. But in this super-sized world we live in, I expect my smalls to look like mediums. I had assumed this would be the same green coleslaw that I grew up eating but was surprised to see that it looked completely different. Had the Colonel turned a coleslaw corner?

Tasting notes: There were some substantial carrot chunks, a good crunch and a nice sweet/tangy vibe. I was pleasantly surprised. The Colonel delivered a much better version than the one I had been expecting.

Verdict: Pretty cluckin’ good.

7) Massibec, $5.96

I found this brand at Walmart. Massibec is out of Quebec and the packaging said they use a variety of cabbages, grown directly in their fields. This was also the biggest container. Massibec is kind of a weird name, though. Maybe something got lost in translation.

Tasting notes: The cabbage pieces were less uniform, which gave it a more homemade texture. And those homegrown cabbages really came through. Massibec tasted the freshest, had the best crunch, and carried a nice heat throughout. It was almost worth the chaos of shopping at Walmart. Almost.

Verdict: Massibec is mighty good.

And the winner is…

I picked Massibec given its freshness and flavour, with honourable mention to Selection for showing some sass and KFC for being better than I thought it would be. In terms of the worst, I’m awarding that to Ziggy’s. The flavour was okay, but I couldn’t move past the mush.

Recently, I learned that Dolly Parton’s coleslaw recipe is tearing up the internet, so I brought it to a family picnic. Dolly’s version has dill pickles, sweet pickle juice and a sprinkling of Steel Magnolias. (Okay, I made that last ingredient up.) In making it, I realize why I never make coleslaw. It was so messy. There were slivers of cabbage everywhere. Two weeks later and I’m still picking pieces out of my hair.

But Dolly’s was delicious. Everyone thought it tasted great, except for Cousin Jolene. But she’s always had an issue with Dolly for reasons that remain a mystery to me. The only problem – it got all watery by the end of the day. But I thought of a new invention: colesloup.

If you want to make Dolly’s coleslaw – and I think you should – you can find the recipe here.

Thanks for reading. If you’re at the No Frills this summer and smell the overwhelming scent of Raid, it means I’m close by and likely in the chips aisle. Don’t be shy about saying hello.